How to Solve Common Roommate Frustrations

Roommates can be incredible friends or—if they happen to be the kind that sulk, eat your food out of the fridge, and throw dinner parties then leave for the weekend without cleaning up—the bane of your existence.

Any roommate situation has its challenges, many of which are probably similar to the challenges of being married. But in a marriage, you have a commitment to each other and are (hopefully) both determined to work through whatever problems arise. In a roommate situation, you have two people who may be sharing an apartment for a year but have no commitment beyond that. It can certainly be tough to figure out how to address problems. Here are four roommate dilemmas you may face, with ideas on how to resolve them:

1. I thought we would be friends.

   This issue seems to be a female specialty. According to singles author Michael D. Warden, “Guys don’t expect to be best friends when they move in together.” But, as we girls know, we may expect that. And, if everyone’s not on the same page, there are sure to be problems.

   Beverly Bradford says when she relocated to a new city and moved in with a friend from college, she expected they would hang out together. Unfortunately, her new roommate actively discouraged this. Beverly says, “She would have friends over, and they would be rude to me - and my roommate would reinforce that.” Eventually, the situation became so bad that they were merely tolerating each other, and Beverly dreaded going home. She bought a condo and moved out on her own.

   In retrospect, Beverly believes she’d handle things differently if she were in the same situation today: “Like any good relationship - boyfriend, family - a roommate relationship requires good communication. I think back then I would avoid things. Now, I’d address them.”

   If you’re considering moving in with someone, discuss your expectations of friendship up front. If you’re in a roommate situation where there are unmet ‘I-thought-we’d-be-best-friends’ expectations, it’s never too late to talk through it and clear the air.

2. Why am I doing all the work around here?

   This could also be known as the ‘neat freak versus the slob’ problem - one that spans both genders and that just about anyone who’s had a roommate has encountered. With two or more people living in the same house, there are countless chores to be done.

   My roommate Sandy lives by the principle that if you feel like you’re doing too much around the house, you’re probably not doing as much as you think and don’t realize how much the other person is doing. Both of us have adopted this, and we’ve negotiated some of the finer details.

   These nit picky details can be difficult to discuss. Don’t talk about them when you’re tired and frustrated. Wait until you have a clear enough mind to be generous. Express your frustrations with an openness to hearing the other person’s perspective. You may be surprised to find there are several chores they’re handling that you weren’t aware of. It can be tempting to just avoid these discussions, but if you do, your frustrations are likely to continue building. Face the conflict and see if you can find a solution.

   Also, consider your alternatives. More than a year ago, I hired a housecleaning service; Sandy and I now split the cost. It’s a bit of a splurge, but we don’t have to worry about who’s cleaning what, figuring out whether to be rigorous or lax with the cleaning schedule, or evaluating each other’s space with a mop.

3. There’s an extra person who’s not paying rent.

   Ah, your roommate’s in love. You’re happy for the cute couple, but now, you’re spending as much time with the new girlfriend as he is - because she practically lives with you. Everything was fine until she started drinking your Mountain Dews without asking. And now, you also need to address the issue of your roommate not having a problem with her spending the night from time to time.

   Nothing can be more disconcerting for the Christian single than finding that your roommate’s interpretation of biblical standards of morality differs from your own. “For Christian guys who share a living space, one big issue to work out is how you want to deal with dates or girlfriends who come over. For example, should girlfriends be allowed to spend the night? “If so, under what circumstances?” Warden poses.

   Again, communication is key. Talk through your standards before you move in together and discuss how your roommates can best help you be accountable. Also, be sure to let your roommate know that you’d like to be able to come home every once in a while without finding an extra person there. He may not know this bothers you if you generally get along with his girlfriend.

4. Whose place is this?

   Another dilemma that hits girls more than guys (do guys even notice how a house is decorated?) can best be summed up as nesting. Who gets to do the decorating? Whose furniture do you use? Whose heirloom china is in full view in the dining room?

   As with so many other roommate dilemmas, it’s important to talk through this before you move in, talk through it if you run into problems after you move in, and find a way to compromise. It may be that neither of you love the totality of the living room decor, but you both get to use pieces you individually love.

   With the right expectations and the willingness to compromise, having and being a roommate can be a positive experience - one that can aid you financially, show you how to live more selflessly, and strengthen your ability to communicate in an honest and open manner. And you might just meet a life-long friend along the way.