How to Reach Out to a Friend in Need

It was almost midnight when my plane landed. Weary from travel, I’d kept to myself throughout the flight. But when I received a voicemail message that my ride couldn’t pick me up, my demeanor changed. I sought to make friends fast, so I could bum a ride with a fellow passenger headed my way.

Whoever first uttered the immortal words, “A friend in need is a friend indeed” couldn’t have been more right. Never are we more open to the care and help of others than when we’re in need, be it great or small.

My airport dilemma felt like a crisis at the time, but then again, my town does have taxis. Many times, life’s dilemmas are true crises, though. In those times, the Bible calls us to “carry one another’s burdens; in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2). But when friends are carrying heavy burdens, we may not be sure how to help.

Consider these situations to get you thinking about how you can be there when a friend is in need…

How to Help a Friend Who Is Ill

At 34, Jan was diagnosed with breast cancer. Living far from family, she learned to rely heavily on her friend Kelly.

“One of the best things she did was help me keep some normalcy in the midst of surgery, chemo, and countless doctor visits,” Jan says. “Just two weeks after my radical mastectomy, Kelly and I dolled up for our annual Christmas concert outing. We were careful not to make cancer the focus of all our discussions. We found balance between talking about the disease and chatting about church activities, current events—and men,” she adds with a laugh.

The pair also celebrated milestones in Jan’s recovery with events such as a weekend trip when her hair returned.

To meet Jan’s practical needs, Kelly organized a group of friends for grocery shopping, lawn care, housework, and dog-sitting. “Knowing I could put the worries of details out of my mind made me feel deeply loved and helped me concentrate my energies on beating the cancer,” Jan says.

How to Help a Friend With a Broken Heart

Carol had been divorced seven years before she ventured into another serious relationship. At 39, she’d been praying a long time for a godly husband.

When Carol and Joe* started going out, friends agreed it was a great match. They dated for more than a year and even discussed marriage and a future together. So when he ended the relationship last summer, Carol felt devastated.

She says she doesn’t know what she would have done without her friends’ support. “They helped me to process my feelings and grieve the pain of my loss,” she says. “They also provided much-needed objectivity because, at times, I started to lose perspective, wondering if this was my last opportunity for marriage or what I have to offer in a relationship.”

Though her tendency was to withdraw, her friends stuck around. “They got me out of myself by inviting me to do fun things and just enjoy life. … My best friend intuitively knew when I wanted to talk and when I needed my space. Nothing beats a friend you can just be silent with.”

How to Help a Friend Who’s Grieving

Steve’s mom died of bone cancer when he was 24 and attending seminary. It was a small school, so they announced his mother’s death during a chapel service. Soon he grew tired of the obligatory “I’m sorries” he heard and, worse, the trite answers he received.

“Quoting Romans 8:28 at me about God working all things together for good just doesn’t cut it when you’ve lost someone,” Steve says.

For a while after his mother’s death, Steve stayed on and off the phone with his pastor. “He was one of the few people I could cry around,” he says. “With him, I could honestly express my frustration and anger. I just needed someone to listen without judgment.”

There were others who reached out to Steve’s family by helping around the house and bringing food. “The last thing we wanted to do was cook. We were shell-shocked,” he says. “Not having to cook or even mow the lawn gave us the chance to just grieve.”

Regardless of what your friend is going through, to be a friend is to show that you care. Even the smallest gestures can make the biggest difference to a hurting person. More than likely, it will strengthen your relationship, and better yet, your actions may be the thing that draws your friend closer to God.

*Name has been changed.

Quick Do’s and Don’ts of Helping Friends

If Your Friend Is Ill …

DO: Offer practical help. Pray with and for your friend. Call and send notes of encouragement.

DOn’t: Wait for your friend to tell you exactly what he or she needs. (Make it easier for your friend to accept help by offering to meet specific needs.)

If Your Friend Is Grieving …

DO: Be present. Listen without judgment. Help with practical concerns. Send a card. Weep with your friend. Pray.

DOn’t: Offer words that sound trite. Shy away because you feel uncomfortable.

If Your Friend Has a Broken Heart …

DO: Be there. Listen. Offer distractions and organize fun activities. Stay positive.

DOn’t: Set up blind dates. Analyze the relationship unless your friend is ready. Join your friend when he or she throws a pity-party.