Gigs of Grace - Part 1: The Download

So I’m sitting here waiting for my Real Player library to import into iTunes so I can load it up on my new iPod and I can’t keep from tearing up. I’m experiencing a “moment of grace” first-hand. I can’t remember anything happening like this, in this way, to me before. I’ve never had a group of people that I’m just starting to get to know go out of their way to do something nice for me. Something that was completely undeserved and totally unexpected. I mean, most times I feel like a burden to these folks because all I do is talk about my struggles, my past, my doubts and fears, etc.! I’m just starting to actually take the time to ask them questions and try to catch a glimpse into their life; usually I’m way too self-absorbed to care. And yet, in spite of all my self-centered conversations and actions with these people, they all got together and gave me a gift. This gift is one of the best gifts I have ever received. Here’s how it happened…

I hopped outside the church to grab a quick smoke while my friend, and ride, was saying bye to some folks. We were headed off to meet up with a group of people from the church for lunch like we had done the last few Sundays. Although I have only been coming to this church a couple of weeks, I feel strangely comfortable with these people. Over various lunches this past month, they have listened to me explain my situation, heard a few stories of what my life has been like lately, and they have had nothing but supportive and encouraging things to say.

“I think I’ll stick around a while longer,” I thought, as I pulled out my pack of smokes, “they haven’t run me off yet or tried to get me do anything too religious, so maybe they are okay.”

In my hand was a gift bag that was given to me just a few minutes earlier. As I fished out a cigarette from the rapidly depleting pack, I thought over his instructions: “You can open it later,” he said with a grin as he followed his wife out the door. Well, technically it was later so I thought it wouldn’t hurt to take a peek. Inside the bag sat a card and a small book-shaped object wrapped in tissue paper. I wondered if they got me a book to help sort my crap out. Maybe they are getting tired of listening to me talk about my problems so they got me some book that will help me figure out the mess of my life. I sat down on the curb, lit a smoke and decided to read the card.

After opening the envelope, I slid out the card, and there staring back at me was a small picture of a painting called “The Laughing Jesus.” Goose-bumps ran from my head down to my toes. How did they know? I never told them! I never shared about my experience with this painting and how much it means to me…

During my second week in rehab I had an appointment with the head chaplain for the drug and alcohol treatment facility that I would call home for 3 months. I was having HUGE issues with the “Higher Power” part of the recovery program, and we set-up this meeting in hopes that he could help me through some of my obstacles. I walked in his office and there hanging on his wall was “The Laughing Jesus.” Immediately I felt tears well up. I asked him if that was Jesus and he gently replied that it was, and it was his favorite portrayal of Him. I broke down. Never in my life had I pictured Jesus laughing! Sobs escaped the pit of my stomach. Pain that I had buried and hidden for years and years began seeping out. I sat on his couch and cried for what felt like an eternity, and a long, slow, healing process began. My journey to re-discover God, to find out more about the Laughing Jesus had begun with one glance at a painting…

Sitting on the curb looking at Jesus laughing immediately caused tears to escape my eyes. I just sat and stared at the front of this beautiful, handmade card and I cried. I had no idea who made it or why, but it touched me deeply. The card was a top-fold and it had a strand of twine on the left hand side that held three pictures of Jesus laughing, each with its own small cardboard frame hanging vertically like charms on a charm necklace. Two rectangle buttons that said “Strength” and “Character” were to the right, along with another picture of the Laughing Jesus under a transparent plastic circular button. That is an inadequate description, but the card was beautiful. I just stared at it, crying on the curb outside the church, a forgotten cigarette dangling from my weak fingers, unable to grasp what had just hit me.

After I had absorbed the front of the card, I felt my trembling hands open it up to expose what was inside. On the top, I saw handwritten notes and signatures from a number of people, and the flow of my tears increased exponentially. “What is going on here?” I wondered. “It’s not my birthday; I haven’t done anything, so why are these people signing a card for me?” I sat there for a moment wondering what this was all about, but my eyes were drawn to the bottom of the card. The following text was typed on burnt-edged parchment paper:

It takes courage to place your confidence in God.
It takes courage to repent.
It takes courage to make the commitment to Christ.
It takes courage to surrender life and self to God’s values and purposes.
It takes courage to let God change us.
The way God looks at life and defines what is important is totally different from the way we humans look at life and define what is important.
It takes real courage to look at and to define life the way God does.
(David Chadwell)

Thank you for sharing your courage with us. We pray we impact your life positively by sharing our courage with you…

I was blown away. My courage? What courage! I’m a freakin’ mess!!! I read it again wondering if maybe they had the wrong guy. My eyes moved north to the personal notes that were written down. Why had they done this? These are people that I was just starting to think of as friends, just beginning to get to know, and they gave me this beautifully random gift? Do people do this? Why do they care so much?

Suddenly this warm feeling crept over me. Not the warm feeling I used to chase after with drugs and alcohol. No, this was different. This was peace. This was love. This was grace. This was better than getting high; this touched me deeper than my addictions ever could. Through wet, blurry eyes I read what they wrote, and I felt God:

“Yo Paul! Thanks for sharing your life with me. Hope this makes your walk a little lighter :-)”
“Paul, Enjoy! I’m getting some Mute Math on here before it’s all said and done. Great to have a friend like you.”
“Paul, Have fun with this. Looking forward to continuing to get to know you and doing life together!”
“God bless!”
“Nothing like music of your choice to keep you going. Enjoy and inspire yourself and others.”

Huh? No freakin way! I couldn’t believe it. I had to check. I reached into the bag, spread open the tissue paper, and there sitting before me was a brand new iPod!!! Huh?!?! What’s going on here? Where are the cameras? Is this for real?

My head was spinning. I remembered sitting with one of the guys at lunch a few weeks back and I was joking around about my homemade “iPod” - I set-up my laptop so I can play music with the lid closed and I just cart it around with me everywhere I go listening to my tunes. Since I don’t drive, I do a lot of walking, and this laptop serves as my iPod. It was just idle chit-chat, we got into deeper conversation after that and I didn’t think anything of it. Did he remember that? Is that what this was about?

My first reaction to this gift was guilt. I felt shame kick in and I heard the all-too-familiar voices in my head begin their ranting. The committee was back in session, and they were listing the plethora of reasons why I didn’t deserve this gift. And believe me, it was a long list. Even though I fired these guys a while ago, they still rear their ugly heads up from time to time like a nightmarish version of Whack-a-Mole. But lately I’ve been getting better at ignoring the verdicts they dish out, so that guilt was short lived.

My second reaction was helplessness, the good kind. I felt trapped in a conspiracy of love. And let me tell ya’ friends, if you’re gonna’ get trapped in something, that’s the way to go! These folks that I’m just beginning to get to know demonstrated one of the most important aspects of God’s character for me - LOVE! They went out of their way to do something unexpectedly wonderful for me that I definitely did not deserve. They are living proof of a loving God. They have shown me that it is possible to live a happy, free, and full life. They have shown me that God does love me. He loves ME!!! Plain ol’ Pauley! I don’t have to do anything, be anything, say anything, fix anything. Despite my weaknesses, despite my past, He loves me, and there’s no escaping His love! Wow! There’s depth to it now. It’s tangible. I can feel it. I can believe it. I am not alone, I am worthy of Love, and I am acceptable just as I am. It is such a simple concept, but one that I am just beginning to grasp.

Tears are still running down my cheeks as I type this. Healing is taking place, growth is happening, and I am at peace. The iPod is synced, my shoes are tied, and I’m ready to walk to my meeting. I think I’ll leave my burdens behind tonight…