Dating vs. Hanging Out
Something scares you. It’s not terrorism, economic recession, global warming, or gasoline prices that could hit 10 bucks per gallon by the time you’re done reading this. These things might worry you, but something else makes your palms sweat and your pulse hit triple digits: asking someone out on a date.
That’s because asking someone out involves potential pain. If the object of your affection becomes aware of your intentions, he or she might not reciprocate, and that’s going to hurt. I don’t care if you’re the most self-confident, well-adjusted person around; rejection hurts. It makes the remaining friendship awkward at best, humiliating at worst. Revealing romantic feelings is a risky business.
Many people find a way around the risk. Or at least they think they do. Instead of asking someone out on a date and being bold in their intentions, they turn to the soggy milquetoast alternative to dating: “hanging out.”
Here’s how it works: You like someone but you’re afraid to let him or her know. So instead of asking the person on a date, you go on approximations of dates that allow for plausible deniability of all romantic intentions. You study together. You exercise together. You find lame excuses to call, text, and e-mail. Worst of all, you engage in the most banal and abysmal of non-dates—going to coffee. It has the trappings of a date—a cozy ambiance, comforting beverages, atmospheric music—while allowing everyone involved to disavow the actual occurrence of a date. Fear of rejection alone has resulted in the proliferation of Starbucks like a French-roasted virus.
People suffer through this in the hope that the object of their affection will eventually buckle and reveal his or her true feelings. They wait and watch. They keep making up excuses to hang out, hedging all their bets and waiting for God to give them a sign. If you’ve been down this road before, you know that it’s seldom successful. You remain stuck in the “friend zone,” which is relationship purgatory if you have a crush on someone.
Are We Dating or Not?
While I was doing research for What Women Wish You Knew about Dating, the biggest complaint I heard from Christian women was that Christian men weren’t assertive enough. They described men who drove them crazy by calling and hanging around while never asking them out on a real date. They said that it was exhausting trying to figure out which guys liked them versus which guys liked them. So let’s cover a few differences between dating and hanging out, in hopes of making life easier for these ladies.
- Asking someone if they’ll be at church next week is hanging out. Asking someone if they would like to go out with you is dating.
- Making up a reason to call, e-mail, or text someone is hanging out. Calling just because you want to talk, and telling the person so, is dating.
- Going to coffee is hanging out. Going to dinner is dating.
- Doing something with the object of your affection and seven other friends is hanging out. If the two of you do something alone, it’s dating.
- Hiding your feelings is hanging out. Telling someone you’re interested in pursuing a more serious relationship is dating.
The Purpose of Hanging
Go ahead and hang out with someone if you’re just getting to know him or her. By all means, don’t ask a person out just because you think he or she is cute but know nothing else about them. You might have nothing in common with the person. The music she loves might make you nauseous. He might be a serial killer. OK, he’s probably not a serial killer, but you get my point. It’s important to hang out before asking out. The problem is that many people never make the leap. They hang out perpetually, creating confusion and tension that could easily be dissipated by asking someone on a date.
I often get the questions, “How do you know when it’s time for a friendship to go further?” or “When should two people stop hanging out and start dating?” Figuring that out is the easy part. If you find the person attractive, you can’t stop thinking about him or her, and you’re unsatisfied with the intimacy that friendship provides, then it’s time to ask out instead of hang out. The problem usually isn’t that people don’t know whether or not they want to date, it’s that they’re afraid the other person doesn’t feel the same way.
Rising above Rejection
This kind of fearful hemming and hawing isn’t how Christians should do things. This isn’t who God created us to be. I’m not saying that in deference to antiquated courtship rituals. I mean we shouldn’t be so scared. We shouldn’t be afraid to date. Overcoming this fear involves two steps:
- Get a life. Something needs to be more important to you than finding a boyfriend or girlfriend. You need a passion, something that excites you and gives your life meaning and purpose. It should be something thrilling and at least a little daunting. Not only will this give your life focus and keep you busy, it can build self-esteem. As you begin to move toward your goals, you’ll feel better about yourself. Have you ever noticed that a lot of people find love when they’re not looking very hard for it? It’s usually because they’re in the middle of a meaningful journey. And that just happens to make them more attractive. This part should be easy for Christians. We have something, or rather Someone, who’s eager to give our life a sense of mission, meaning, and value.
- Be authentic. At some point, someone decided it wasn’t cool to let someone know that you’re interested in him or her. I guess people think it makes you seem desperate. That can be the case sometimes, but it’s not true if you’ve taken care of Step 1 above. Being honest and bold about your feelings doesn’t come off as cheesy if you have self-confidence. It signifies courage and self-esteem. It shows that getting rejected won’t devastate you because you know and like who you are. The alternative to this is “hanging out” with someone and hoping to catch a lucky break. That takes a lot more time and trouble to get what usually turns out to be the same result.
First John 4:18 says that “perfect love drives out fear.” While it’s normal to be nervous when you ask someone out, God’s perfect love should cast out all fear that you’re unlovable, unworthy, and destined to be alone. You’re exploring the possibility of a relationship with one person. If it doesn’t work out, God’s love will take care of you far more than the love of any human on earth.
This article originally appeared in Collegiate magazine.
About the Author
Stephen W. Simpson, Ph.D., is a practicing psychologist in Pasadena, Calif., and a clinical professor at Fuller Theological Seminary. He is the author of What Women Wish You Knew about Dating (Baker) and Assaulted by Joy: The Redemption of a Cynic (Zondervan). To learn more, visit StephenWSimpson.com.
There have been 33 replies so far
I would be curious to know how many single men even read this. Please feel free to comment if you’re a single guy.
1 | Autumn
Thursday, August 20, 2009, at 4:22pm
Well I must be the first one lol. I can attest to going into the friend zone with someone I liked and also trying to hangout with someone. This really gave some good advice that I will have to use in the future. I think this has also given me somethig to work on too.
Well that’s my two cents have a good day and may god bless us all.
2 | Patrick
Thursday, August 20, 2009, at 5:35pm
Ha ha! Thanks Patrick. ;-)
3 | Autumn
Thursday, August 20, 2009, at 9:34pm
KUDOS.
4 | anna cabrera
Thursday, August 20, 2009, at 10:29pm
Single male here. Bring count to two!
5 | Johan
Thursday, August 20, 2009, at 10:33pm
Guess I’m number two. I spent ninety percent of my highschool and a lot of college falling into the hanging out trap and yes I ended up with a good friend, until I recognized that was how it was to be, I agonized with this fear. Recently I’ve been strugling with this same situation again but feel better prepared to face my fear now and do what I should do and that is take initiative and ask out the young woman I have been thinking about.
6 | Adam
Thursday, August 20, 2009, at 10:43pm
Yep, single guy here. In fact this article is helpful enough that I’ll be forwarding it to some of my friends who are doing just this! Great article.
7 | Silas
Thursday, August 20, 2009, at 11:14pm
I read this article to three of my friends. We are all single guys in our twenties. We agreed with many of the authors points and found the article very enlightening.
8 | anonymous
Thursday, August 20, 2009, at 11:28pm
This was pretty cool…only one question. Is this article meant for the guys? I mean is it ok or not ok if it was the young lady asking the young guy on a date. Stay true to the Traditional or 21st Century.
9 | Luan
Friday, August 21, 2009, at 12:26am
You have a problem with your reply system here. I wrote out a longer reply to this article which took some time to compose. After hitting the “post comment” button, I received an error message that I put the wrong word in the anti-spam-robot field. I hit the back button and all the reply fields were blank. Oh well, maybe I’ll have time later to redo it.
10 | Stephen
Friday, August 21, 2009, at 8:20am
Stephen,
I’m sorry you had trouble with the commenting system. We had to put a question field in to help alleviate all the spam we were getting - it was quite a bit! As the web guy around these parts, let me know if you run into any issues.
In the meantime, I’ll be poking around to see if there is anything I can do to improve how you post comments.
11 | Jacob Fentress
Friday, August 21, 2009, at 9:08am
Thanks for the feedback fellas!
12 | Autumn
Friday, August 21, 2009, at 9:13am
Also a single guy. This article was great! I find that I’m always afraid to take the risk of asking a “hang-out friend” on an actual date because I’m worried that it might make the friendship awkward if the feelings aren’t shared. Great article with helpful advice. I guess we just have to take the risk sometimes and have faith that God knows what he’s doing.
13 | Mark
Friday, August 21, 2009, at 12:58pm
I am also a single guy. This article was very enlightening, encouraging, and convicting. Thanks for this article!
14 | Rod
Friday, August 21, 2009, at 3:46pm
Luan - that’s a great question, and I don’t have an answer for you. I can tell you that this article wasn’t meant for just guys, and it sounds like both guys and girls resonate with falling into the “hanging out” trap. Whether a girl does ask a guy out on a date or not, we are equally as guilty of letting relationships get stuck in the “hang out” zone, so girls aren’t off the hook here. The challenge to get a life and be authentic hold true for both guys and girls.
15 | Laura
Friday, August 21, 2009, at 4:41pm
Hey gang. Thanks for all the feedback! It’s great to hear from you all. Several of you have mentioned how helpful this info was. Are there other day-to-day life things you’d like an expert opinion on?
16 | Laura
Friday, August 21, 2009, at 4:42pm
Another single young man here. Lets exhort each other and glorify Christ in our season of singleness in the midst of temptation!
17 | Yang
Friday, August 21, 2009, at 8:06pm
Great article. Men, if you’re interested in a woman, go after her. It’s as easy as that. You pursue her.
18 | John
Friday, August 21, 2009, at 8:37pm
I believe in plunotic relationships. A lot of people don’t think a man and woman can just be friends nothing more but I think they can.
19 | Trisha
Friday, August 21, 2009, at 8:50pm
While we’re on the relationships topic do people still believe in “the one” theory. Does the bible really support that? To my best knowledge the only real serious guideline is make sure its not an unbeliever.
20 | luan
Friday, August 21, 2009, at 11:36pm
To the best of my knowledge the Bible sets out 3 criteria for a marriage partner: 1) A fellow believer 2) Available (ie. doesn’t already have a spouse) 3) Of the opposite sex Which leaves a fairly big pool of potential mates to choose from.
21 | Louise
Saturday, August 22, 2009, at 6:11am
Single man and recent college grad here, working fulltime in college ministry now. I have long been a big fan of stepping out in faith in the dating arena. If you don’t take a chance on a girl, you’ll likely find her eating dinner and walking down the aisle with the guy who did! You only get one life, go live it!
22 | James Jenkins
Saturday, August 22, 2009, at 8:43am
Jenkins,
Excellent comment. I think there are two things guys may be a bit unclear on re: this situation.
1 just because your feelings are finally revealed doesn’t mean there will be awkwardness or that you can’t be friends.
2 She’ll probably say “Sure! Sounds like fun!”
23 | Autumn
Saturday, August 22, 2009, at 9:00am
The Lord knows best. The right man or woman will come at the right time and at the right place. So whether you’re hanging or dating, it will just come in His time. Just enjoy and do not be in a hurry to shun any untoward decision that you might regret soon.
24 | thai girl
Saturday, August 22, 2009, at 9:21am
Trisha,
I would like to believe that men and women can be “just friends” but I have not had any success in this area. I have a friend that I like to hang out with and used to a lot but I can’t because I know he likes me and I’m not attracted to him at all. So, I have given up on the idea that men and women can be friends without dating. Do you have any advice for me?
25 | Krystle
Saturday, August 22, 2009, at 9:19pm
Single guy here, that makes the count too… around 13 or 14 of us!!
Krystle, i think your actions are normal and understandable, from my perspective at least. If hanging out with someone you know who likes you but your fealings are the opposite, Then its an uncomfortable situation. If hanging out with him (or any other non-family member, for that matter) makes you uncomfortable, then you simply shouldn’t, its unhealthy for him and you. I hoped this helped :)
on another note, love this article, it really taught me a lot. this is great information to know for the future, as i havent started dating yet, because my college education is more important to me then searching for a girlfriend at the moment. but when im ready, this is a great article to look back at. Thanks Stephen for a trully superb article :D
God Bless You guys!
p.s. Stehpen, do you have some advice on handling siblings? i have a 12 year old little brother who is most likely has anti-social or rebellious personality disorder, and A.D.H.D. My parents recently got him prescription medication for the adhd, which really helps across the board, but there are still those times he really gets under my skin. Furthermore, although he may have (some) respect for my parents, he has absolutely no respect for me (I’m 19, soon to be 20 in Feb, a 7 year difference) , although I respect him more than he seems to deserve. He’s blessed that I’m nothing like him (I’m just like my mother, hes practically a clone of my father) , or i would have no self control.
Thanks for any advice!
26 | Chris
Sunday, August 23, 2009, at 10:48pm
Ok here is my take on the situation here.
add one more tally to the guys.
Girls us guys really need you in ours lives. For some reason you give us balance that we can get no where else. So for that I say thank you. I am not sure that girls need to be around guys quite as much, but I do think it is a two way street.
Guys and girls can be just friends and it is important for both to learn to do it. Will you screw up and have feelings that might need to be addressed. I unfortunately hope so. For this will lead to a greater respect for the person as a friend and it will hopefully humble you in some way. As for how to be just friends well it is different for everybody. Because for me at least I think the gal I will end up being with for the rest of my life will be a girl I enjoy hanging out with everyday. Is that not what a marriage is? For as brothers and sister in christ we should have these feelings of love for one another. We should care about them deeply and always want what is best for them. The one you marry should be the one you enjoy being with every day. (can go into greater detail, but will save it for later clarification if necessary. It was covered pretty well in the original post)
One final note. Chris I feel for your situation. I have a younger brother (4 years) Here is my suggestion. Is there a thing you can change about him? Guessing the answer is no. So who can we change? YOU. I think we (me included here) tend to think we are owed something. When if we back up and look at life or salvation we see that everything we have is a gift. We did nothing to deserve it. So if we have the gift of salvation, can we not give respect and forgiveness freely. If somebody was willing to pay for my sins, to keep me from hell. Can I not give forgiveness freely. We were put here to serve and when we took hold of this Christian thing we signed up to put our priorities, feeling, and desires second. So how can we complain about our rights when we have given them up and volunteered to be servants. I know this is not a clean answer you may have been looking for, but if you pursue it and patiently pray I think you will find it to be true.
Good luck and God Bless
27 | Decaff
Monday, August 24, 2009, at 4:03pm
I’m sorry but, I can barely understand your answer. from what I read, I need to be more respectful and forgiving, and thankful for what I have? I never said I was deficient in these areas, I merely stated how I can best handle my little brother. I also never said I thought I deserved anything, merely that my little has no respect for me (its more his problem than mine). I dont believe I deserve, or am owed, anything. I merely want to be more able to handle my fustrations, primarily my little brother, which I believe is a valid pursuit. I believe what you say is true, I dont disagree with what you say at all, you speak the truth for sure. but it really doesnt fit my question, which is a spychological one. I want to know how to spychologically change my little brothers attitude, or at least on how to cope with it. I appreciate your answer, but its a spychological question.
28 | Chris
Monday, August 24, 2009, at 8:13pm
Hi Krystle, I agree with Chris’s thoughts on your question. I thought I’d share my experience, too, maybe another perspective will help you :)
For most of my life, I (young single guy) have had really close friendships with girls as well as with guys. Often there were more girls than guys among my closest friends. And it’s been a great blessing for both sides.
With some of them, feelings started to develop from one side or the other, and we had to clear that up. In a couple cases, it got so uncomfortable that the friendship lapsed. I would totally agree with you that if you’re not comfortable around him, you need to protect yourself (and him) by limiting contact. Still, don’t expand that experience to stop all friendships with guys.
Like many areas in life, we have to be wise on a case-by-case basis, otherwise we might miss out on big blessings - or risk hurting ourselves and others.
Of course we also have to make sure our motives and priorities are right. I regularly have to check my heart to make sure I’m not deceiving myself about my motivation or about whether I’m leading a girl on, which I def. don’t want to do.
So I hope this is helpful to you and that God continues to give you wisdom in your friendships.
Chris
p.s. for the admin ppl, it just did the exact same thing to me twice as Stephen mentioned earlier, deleting my post.. plz find a fix :)
29 | Chris2
Thursday, August 27, 2009, at 1:25pm
Chris and Stephen,
I’ve requested some new anti-spam software be installed that should alleviate any posting problems you’ve seen. I’m sorry it’s been a hassle, but we’ll get it ironed out.
Thanks for the notes, by the way. We can’t make things better if we don’t know, so I appreciate you letting us know about your experiences.
30 | Jacob Fentress
Thursday, August 27, 2009, at 2:36pm
This is the message I got when I tried to post. Maybe because I answered the math problem with a word instead of a number.
The form you submitted contained the following errors
You did not submit the word exactly as it appears in the image
31 | Jeannie
Friday, August 28, 2009, at 2:44pm
This was quite an interesting read. I completely agree with the article. I attended a Christian liberal arts college and had so many guy friends (I am a female) who complained every weekend because they didn’t have dates. I always reminded them that they never asked anyone out! They also flirted with every girl they were around. That sent mixed signals to the ones they were truly interested in and who may have been interested in them as well.
It wasn’t until my junior year of college that I met my now husband. We had both come to the conclusion that we would rather live the rest of our lives alone than to marry the wrong person. How convenient it was that we met when we weren’t looking! We have been very happily married for over 12 years now and have 7 children.
My husband was NOT like the other guys I knew. Once he and I met, he only showed interest in me…not my roommate or any other females we were around. He also had manners. Guys, if you weren’t raised with proper manners, find out what you should be doing. You should absolutely open the car door for a lady, etc. Make her feel like you respect her and adore her. Girls, you don’t have to be so independent. Let him open the car door for you, etc. While we were dating, my husband wanted to help me out with some car problems I was having. Even though it was something I knew how to do, I let him do it. That was his territory, and it showed him that I needed him and trusted him.
One more comment…someone posted a question on whether others believe there really is “one” person God has chosen for you. God gives us choice. The person you marry is the person you choose to marry. You don’t go into it blindly; you choose someone who shares your faith and hopes for family, etc. God does know whom you will choose. I have prayed for my husband since I was a little girl. I knew that God knew him and what was going on in his life even if I didn’t. So absolutely pray for your future spouse! My husband says that my prayers must be what carried him through childhood.
May God bless you all in your pursuit of a spouse!
32 | Amber
Monday, August 31, 2009, at 7:52pm
nice article :). so im the female friend in the relationship.i have known him around 6 years we have been hanging out almost daily for a good year( im also going through a divorce for 2 years now). i know that during the year i was jealous if he talked to other girls. i also know that i wondered why he never asked me out. now we did the dinner thing and the movie thing and whatever else im sure you would classify as dating. however i never considered a date cause he never put it that way. after waiting for him to ask me i kinda didnt care if he did anymore and went back into the just friend reality. well 3 days ago he finally asked me out, i havent given him an answer yet and i know its killing him. i dont know what to do. i know that if i wanted the relationship i would be in it now… i guess im confused on how i feel and if i do decide to just remain friends how do i do that without chrushing him but remaining his friend?????
33 | mslyns
Tuesday, September 15, 2009, at 3:44pm
Comments are closed. Please use our contact form if you have any thoughts or questions.