Missing a Mother

This month has been a killer. In four weeks, I have had six migraines. Each migraine lasts at its peak pain for at least five hours, even when I take prescription medicine. Then, they create lasting malaise for several more hours. The day after I feel washed out, mentally numb, physically drained and weak, and emotionally exhausted.

I just want a mother’s arms around me, saying, “You’re going to get through this. It won’t be like this forever,” and stroke my hair with sympathetic words of, “you poor thing.”

The problem is, my mom died when I was 12. Since then, it’s been up to me and me alone to care for my physical ailments. When I get a migraine at work, I still have to figure out how to drive myself home, even though the glare of the sun off of other cars is like a thousand shards of glass cutting at me. I still have to make my own meal, or pick up something to eat, once the migraine eases; even though I’m shaky and unsteady and my vision is still recovering. I have to take myself to the doctor, fill out all the family medical history with a vague 12-year-old’s memory of what medical issues my mom’s side of the family has.

One migraine a month is sustainable. I can get through it and be fine. But when the sixth one hits, my strength is gone. I feel so isolated and alone, and exhausted. I don’t have any answers. At this point, just pain. But, I am betting a lot of you out there have less than nurturing relationships with your parents, and that you have felt this same ache when you hit a low point in life. Sometimes, God provides other people who bring comfort, empathy, and nurturing when you need it. Sometimes, you just cling tighter and cry, “Abba, Father.”

Side note - I found this site that has artists who suffer from migraines try to depict what a migraine feels like - there are some amazing images. When I’m talking to people who’ve never had migraines, they have a hard time understanding what is so bad - “isn’t it just a bad headache?” - but these images help give them a sense of what migraine feels like. It also helps validate my pain during a migraine - to know that other people go through what I do, and I’m not just weak and have a low pain threshold.