Is My Family Really Crazy?

By Stephen W. Simpson, PH.D.

Our families are the most influential people in our lives. Depending on who shares your DNA, that can be a blessing or a curse. Most of the time, it’s a blessing. Perfect families don’t exist, but psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott claims that “good enough” families are more common than not. God wired us to be attached to other people. As we mature together, we manage to work out most of the relational kinks.

NORMAL CRAZY

God designed us for a relationship with Him that would meet all of our needs. Genesis 3 explains how the fall severed our direct attachment with God. Christ died for our sins, but our connection with God won’t be fully restored until we’re with Him in eternity. That longing for attachment and relationship still exists. We can’t have it with God, so we do the best we can with other people. The problem is, other people can’t give us all the love, grace, and understanding we need.

This need gets expressed most in our families. I’ve worked with dozens of newlywed couples who got along great while they were dating, then went bonkers mere days after saying their vows. “It’s because you’re a family now,” I tell them. “You expect more from each other, and you’re discovering each others limits.”

For example, you probably expect your parents to understand and accept everything you do. If they did, they wouldn’t go nutty when you tell them you and some friends are about to drive to a concert three hours away and return home just before sunrise. You know you’re not going to take any chances or risks. And it’s a Christian concert, so it seems crazy that they would worry. But they can’t get past their fear of something bad happening to you.

Now the fun begins. Voices start getting louder. You tell your parents that they don’t respect you. They shoot back something about you having questionable judgment. Next, you tell them that they’re controlling and won’t let you grow up. They say you’re selfish and disrespectful. You start yelling/crying/pouting and threaten to hang up the phone. As a parting shot, they say something about making you move back home. You hang up and tell your roommate that you’ll join the military before moving back in with those senile despots. You’ve just participated in something called auto-correction. Things escalate as both parties one-up each other, trying to regain power in the relationship. This often happens when we feel hurt or misunderstood. We throw tantrums because we can’t get our family to deliver the sort of satisfaction that comes only from Christ.

The solution to this is simple but hard: Accept that God is the only One who can meet all of your needs. Philippians 4:13 says, “Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am” (The Message). Work toward forgiving your family members for being human. Look past the imperfections to the ways they try to love you. Lower your expectations and stop hoping for your family to meet all your emotional needs. This won’t make things blissful and easy, but in tense situations, you’ll begin feeling annoyed instead of crazy.

DYSFUNCTIONAL CRAZY

Sometimes our longing for God gets so distorted and corrupted that people try satisfying their attachment needs in destructive ways. This can show up as addiction, abuse, manipulation, and hostile acting out. People try to squeeze out of each other what they can only get from God. When it doesn’t work, they despair and abandon the relationship. We all hurt each other sometimes, but a relationship becomes dysfunctional when pain becomes the defining feature. There are many ways to handle living with a dysfunctional family, but let’s identify three to get you started:

Boundaries. Saying “no” is hard, especially for Christians. We feel like we lack a servant’s heart if we deny a request. Setting boundaries means refusing unreasonable demands and retreating from hurt.

Counseling. Telling your feelings to a stranger can feel a bit bizarre, but it’s part of what makes therapy effective. Your counselor’s job is to listen, support, and guide you while making no personal demands whatsoever. We’re used to thinking about what the other person needs, but therapy is one of the few places where the relationship remains focused on you.

Family 2.0. If your family is genuinely psycho, depend on your Christian family for support. God is our Father, and we’re all His children. We can be a little dysfunctional sometimes, but God’s grace and love more than compensate for that. Some people don’t know that family can feel good until their Christian brothers and sisters surround them with the love of Christ. In Mark 3:35, Jesus said, “Obedience is thicker than blood. The person who obeys God’s will is my brother and sister and mother” (The Message). Even with a healthy biological family, we must always work to nurture our relationship with God and our bond with the body of Christ.

THE CRAZY FAMILY QUIZ*

1. When you ask your mom if you should fly home for her birthday, she … (a) tells you not to come and means it. (b) tells you not to come, but wants you to beg her to let you come. (c) says that you’re probably happy she’s a year closer to death.

2. When you ask your dad for money, he … (a) says yes or no and explains his reasons without getting angry. (b) gives you the money, but lectures you for 10 minutes on your lack of responsibility. (c) suggests selling one of your kidneys on the black market.

3. When you tell your sister about your stressful week, she … (a) listens with empathy. (b) tells you about how her week was worse, though it’s not even close. (c) asks why you sound so mad, hangs up the phone, then calls back in tears to apologize five minutes later.

4. When you tell your brother you got into medical school, he … (a) congratulates you. (b) reminds you that it will be 10 years before you’re a “real” doctor. (c) asks if you can steal some drugs for him.

Give yourself zero points for every (a), one point for every (b), and two points for every (c). 0 – 2: Your family is so healthy that your friends probably want to join. 3 – 4: Your family is garden-variety annoying, but probably not crazy. 5 – 8: Ouch. Sorry.

Note: This isn’t scientific at all. If you’re curious, mental health professionals have real tests that put this one to shame.

Dr. Stephen W. Simpson is a psychologist and writer. He is author of *What Women Wish You Knew about Dating* and *Assaulted by Joy: The Redemption of a Cynic.* He has excellent boundaries when it comes to changing lightbulbs and poor boundaries when it comes to video games.