Cynical, Yet Hopeful

I had a birthday recently. It seems like as each year passes these days become more and more reflective - looking back over where I’ve been and who I’ve become. It seems like life is shifting into higher gears the older I get, and the days are beginning to blur a little as I stick my head out the window and enjoy the flurry of the wind as it speeds on by.

I’d like to say that everything is pleasant - that somehow when I piece it all together that I’ve managed to make it work as best as I could. I look at my beautiful wife & my kids and know that some of those choices and experiences are good - many are very good. But when it comes down to it I feel myself becoming rougher around the edges - perhaps worn a bit by my surroundings, and that’s a strange place to be.

My faith is stronger - I think. It feels more real, at least. I’m not sure I know much more of who God really is. Seems as I get older that God becomes greater, and, many times, it feels like the years add more questions rather than more answers. Part of me feels less apt to ask them, I guess - not feeling a huge burden to have it all figured out and enjoying the mystery of it all a bit more.

I would have to say that I am much more cynical. It’s not where I’d like to be, but at least I’m aware of it (and knowing is half the battle, right?). I’m realizing that my cynicism is really just pride in disguise. I find myself belittling the Church and catching myself (to the point of stopping) less than I should. I’m slightly less optimistic about where we all are in this thing.

But I’m hopeful.

Yes… hopeful. And that’s an amazing thing for me. For while I’m bitterly aware of my own spiritual ineptitude much of the time (I’m being a bit generous saying even that), and I know that my fellow travelers are walking in the same place, right beside me, I have more hope in who He is for me & for us than ever before. Even if we are missing the mark as His Bride much of the time (there I go again), I know that He is working in us & perfecting us as only He can.

Cynical, but with hope, and a desire to see it all happen as He desires for it to happen. When it all comes down to it, maybe that’s not that terrible of a place to be.