Companionship Lost

Right now I’m just struggling with being lonely. i’m just deep-down, bone-deep, achingly lonely. It’s not that I don’t have good friends. It’s not that I’m not cared for and loved. I know that I am. I’ve been made more aware of it in the past weeks than I probably ever have been. It’s that i feel very alone. I miss being held. I miss having a companion. It’s more than disconcerting when something that you think is forever ends. It’s destructive. I’m stronger than I look, but that doesn’t keep this from being difficult. I’m well into recovery. I’m ready to move toward the future, toward more, toward the direction that God leads … but sometimes … and sometimes it’s just for a minute … I miss having a hand to hold.

I think I’m living proof that humanity was created for companionship. The trick here is … that I’m wanting more than just proximity. I’m wanting someone who is good at that AND is excited to be near me, to know me, to enjoy time with me. In the meantime, I miss the touch. I miss the comfort. I miss the affection. I miss feeling connected to another person. Despite the fact that the connection I thought that I had turned out to be imaginary, I miss it.

Oh, God, i know you’re always here with me. Help me to be satisfied in you. i want that so much. I want to want it more than anything else. i’m still learning, turning, listening, seeking. Draw me in. Comfort me. Hold me close. Remind me that with you, I’m never alone.